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How Counseling Works - Men Should Not Fear Counseling
About twice as many women as men use counseling. Research* indicates that more men would see a counselor if they knew in advance the 'nuts and bolts' of what's involved. So, for a start, here are four important basic points to consider:
o A professional counselor will treat you with kindness and respect at all times. They are not there to judge you or find fault. Whatever you say, the counselor will listen carefully in order to understand what's important to you. Everything you say is private and confidential. (If you are in danger or someone close to you is being harmed or at risk, other people could be involved for legal reasons.)
o An effective counselor will make sure it's clear what you want to get from counseling and how they could help you achieve this. Almost everyone is nervous seeing a counselor or therapist for the first time, so don't worry if you're not sure what to say. They will ask a few questions and should let you take your time to answer. It's not a test. If you don't understand anything, just ask.
o Not all counselors work in the same way - some are quite formal and don't talk a lot, others are more lively. From your point of view, what matters most is whether you think the counselor understands you enough and is a safe person you can trust. At the end of the first meeting (usually called an assessment), you and your counselor should agree on the next step, such as making another appointment, or being referred to a specialist, or deciding that one session was enough for the time being. It's your choice.
o You don't have to be ill or clinically depressed to see a counselor or therapist. And it doesn't mean you're a 'nutcase' or 'strange'. Every day, with the back-up of good therapeutic counseling, men from all walks of life find positive ways to deal with their problems.
What problems can counseling solve?
You might think your particular personal problem is not the 'right kind' for counseling. Whatever it is, the counselor will listen and take it seriously.
When men recognize a problem, we tend to look for practical things to do to sort it out. If it's psychological or emotional, talking with a counselor is often an effective way to figure out the best solution.
But it's also important to realize that counseling is not just about 'fixing' what's wrong with your life. There are times when your problem-solving skills don't match the situation you're in, so you need to discover a different method to see you safely through. This is what counseling can provide: a constructive new way of looking at your experience and abilities.
Every man has a unique personal story to tell but we all endure similar troubles as we go through life. Below is a list (in no special order) of the sort of issues, big and small, that men talk about in counseling:
anxiety ~ family conflict ~ depression ~ retirement ~ becoming a father ~ step-parenting ~ traumatic events ~ anger ~ bereavement ~ panic attacks ~ loss of confidence ~ racism ~ separation & divorce ~ intimate relationships ~ long-term illness ~ obsessions ~ suicidal feelings ~ addiction ~ violence ~ alcohol & other drugs ~ self-harm ~ stress at work ~ sexual identity ~ bullying ~ mid-life crisis
Maybe none of those headings applies to you but you're still thinking about seeing a therapist because life gets you down and you don't know why. There's no need to put a label on your problem. The main thing to remember is: you don't have to face it alone.
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Don't rule yourself out...
Counseling is used by men of all kinds, of any age and ability, from all social classes and many ethnic groups. Men with 'different' sexual identities or unconventional lifestyles are also welcomed. Most counselors are trained to be aware of prejudice and discrimination and will offer to help you whatever your background.
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What puts some men off counseling?
When there's a serious problem in your life or you're highly stressed, it can help to talk it over with someone in your family or a close friend. But what if you don't want anyone to know how bad you really feel? Or perhaps there's nobody around to speak to whom you can trust. It might just feel safer to stay inside your shell.
Feeling isolated may increase the pressure. Eventually, something has to give. A lot of men in this kind of situation end up at the doctor's with strange headaches or gut pain and other unexplained physical symptoms. For some men, appropriate medical treatment from a reliable GP is enough to get them back on track. But prescription pills (such as Prozac) don't always make the anxiety go away, so the doctor might refer you to a pastoral, psychological counselor or therapist.
This is the tough bit. Some of us find it very hard to ask for help. For example, it's often said that a 'typical man' hates asking for directions when he's lost. There's some truth in this generalization. Most of us have grown up with the familiar myth that a man must be strong, independent, and in charge of himself at all times.
Even though this image of manliness is impossible to live up to, if a man admits he's losing the plot and can't cope, he probably feels weak and ashamed. He's also likely to believe that if he shows his weakness someone will walk all over him. Who needs that?
No wonder we tend to hide our masculine insecurities. Telling a counselor about that part of yourself can be pretty scary if you've never really owned up to it before. But the truth is: it's not 'unmanly' to feel lost or defeated sometimes - it's just human.
How does 'talking about things' actually help?
o The main benefit is the chance to speak freely about what's troubling you, to be accepted and listened to properly. Few people really listen without wanting something in return. What a counselor provides is "a truly special deal," as one man put it: "I knew my counselor was always there for me, whatever mood I was in, no strings attached."
o It's good to talk, but many men find it hard to open up. Realising it's safe to put your private thoughts and hidden feelings into words can be a huge relief. This positive atmosphere of honesty and safety is very important in counseling. Whether you're in a rut or a crisis, it helps you bring some balance back into your life and creates a sense of control.
o Individual psychology is a useful tool when you want to work on understanding your behavior. Using the counselor as a guide, you can soon grow more skilful at exploring the way you think and feel - in other words, you gain better self-knowledge.
o Counseling is not always about facing your demons or making big changes. Sometimes it's just calm, solid support that's needed until things work out all right. Talking confidentially makes you feel less alone when the going gets rough.
o Also, receiving feedback from a skilled listener puts your difficulties into perspective so you can draw up a realistic plan to tackle them. This not only helps restore your confidence and self-esteem, it also gives you fresh tactics for overcoming problems in the future.
This is the challenge of counseling. The moves you choose to make to improve your daily life or cope with difficult situations often require the courage to do things differently. Facing your doubts and fears in therapy might feel risky at first but it's a sure way to rediscover your genuine strengths and put them into action - nuts and all.
Midnight Hour Ministries
Russ Hobbs M.A. CAC Diplomate
(717) 626-6933
(717) 626-0492
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