• marked social isolation or withdrawal
• marked inability to function as wage-earner, student, or homemaker
• marked peculiar behavior (collecting garbage, talking to oneself in public, hoarding food)
• marked impairment in personal hygiene and grooming
• digressive, vague, over-elaborate conversation, or lack of conversation, or lack of content in conversation
• odd beliefs or magical thinking that affect the person’s behavior (superstitiousness, belief in clairvoyance, telepathy, “others can feel my feelings”)
• unusual experiences (recurrent illusions, sensing the presence of a force or person not actually present)
• marked lack of initiative or energy

NO one deserves to be abused..ever!  If you are in a relationship with someone who attempts to limit the time that you spend with friends and family, scares you, tells you that you never do anything right, yells and screams at you and tells you that you are worthless it’s time to get some help!  Here are a few other red flags of abuse that individuals and/or couples need to be aware of whether male or female.

·         Makes you feel like you have to tip toe around to prevent an outburst of anger.

·         Forces you to do things that you don’t want to do.

·         Forces you to do sexual things that you don’t want to do.

·         Takes money or possessions from you without your permission.

·         Refuses to provide medical or psychological care when needed.

·         Throws or breaks items that are important to you.

·         Hits, pushes, punches, strangles or slaps you.

·         Threatened to kill you.

If you have been or are currently being abused you need to seek professional, competent and caring counsel and/or support.  If you know someone in an abusive situation you need to be the kind of friend that you would desire if you were being abused.  But, a word of caution, you should not meddle or interfere or play “games” with the lives of other people.  Your interior motive for helping someone needs to be “righteous and above board” and not motivated by jealousy, revenge or misinformation.  A whole lot of hurt, anger and resentment may come from meddling family or friends who have ulterior or evil motives for helping someone.  However, someone who legitimately needs help and fails to receive it may forfeit their life because appropriate and loving assistance was not offered.  So, what do you do?  The right and loving thing..offer help and support in good faith, good conscience and from a loving heart that wants only the best for the family member or friend in need.  At the end of the day, we all have to live with the decisions that we make.  May God help us to live lovingly and responsible.

A couple had been married for fifty years. “Things have really changed,” she said. “You used to sit very close to me.” “Well, I can remedy that,” he said, moving next to her on the couch. “And you used to hold me tight.” “How’s this?” he asked as he gave her a hug. “Do you remember you used to nudge my neck and nibble on my ear lobes?” He jumped to his feet and left the room. “Where are you going?” “I’ll be right back,” he said. “I’ve got to get my teeth!”

“Some people don’t have a perfect marriage, but they have a great one. How can I say two things that seem so contradictory? In a perfect marriage, everything is always the finest and best imaginable; like a Greek statue, the proportions are exact and the finish is unblemished. Who knows any human beings like that? For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. The unblemished ideal exists only in happily-ever-after fairy tales. If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.’ The sooner we accept that as a fact of life, the better we will be able to adjust to each other and enjoy togetherness. “Happily incompatible’ is a good adjustment.” - Billy Graham

I read about a psychiatric hospital with this sign at the entrance: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be well?”  Conflict is unavoidable! How we handle conflicts can help us improve or destroy our relationships.

How to handle an argument:
1. Learn to WHISPER

Proverbs 15:1
1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Have you ever tried to argue in a whisper? It is equally hard to argue with someone who insists on answering gently. The Speech Research Unit of Kenyon College has proved that when a person is shouted at, he simply cannot help but shout back. You can use this knowledge to keep another person from becoming angry: Control the other person’s tone of voice by controlling your own tone of voice.

2. Learn to WAIT

Proverbs 15:2
2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

James 1:19-20
19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
(NIV)

Remember the carpenter’s motto: Measure twice, cut once. Let this be our relationship motto: Listen twice, speak once. Lengthen your fuse. Take time to value the person making the statement so that you evaluate carefully what they are saying before you respond. In other words, people matter more than the position you hold! Who they are is far more important that what they say!

Be careful about exaggerating. It is so easy to use phrases like “always” or “never” - which, by the way, are almost always never true.

When you get angry and upset with someone, the first thing you begin to do is to make their faults and failures look way bigger than they really are. We start with the “you never” and “you always”.

3. Learn to Choose Your Battles WISELY

Proverbs 15:3-4
3 The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.
4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
(NIV)

James 3:5-9
5 Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man,
8 but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.
(NIV)

Some fights are not worth the effort. When we enter into some arguments, we say things we don’t mean, raise our voices and our blood pressure so that we boil over and spill out things we should have never buried in our heart and mind in the first place!

Can you go for twenty-four hours without saying any unkind words about, or to, anybody? Those who can’t answer yes must recognize that they have a serious problem. If you cannot go for twenty-four hours without smoking, you are addicted to nicotine. If you cannot go twenty-four hours without a drink, you’re most likely an alcoholic. Similarly, if you cannot go for twenty-four hours without saying unkind words about others, then you have lost control over your tongue.”

4. ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE

Ephesians 4:15
15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.  (NIV)

Tongues can only give a GENTLE ANSWER when there is GENTLENESS in the heart.

Are you the kind of person who always speaks the truth, but you do not always speak in a loving way? Do your words and how you say them “wound” the other person? Or maybe you find yourself speaking in love but not always truthfully? If your truth is not balanced by love or your love not balanced by truth, then what you have to say is laced with selfishness. When you argue without speaking the truth in love, you are only trying to impress, not impact. When it comes to communicating with each other, it can never be either “Truth” or “love”. It must always be Truth and Love. Truth sets us free and Love covers sin!

Ephesians 4:25-32
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

Our world is a little darker and lonelier every day that we forget or decline to reach out with love and compassion.  Midnight Hour Ministries would like to encourage you today, to share your heart and resources with a family member, neighbor or co-worker that you know is in need of love, warmth and encouragement.  Visit us on the web at www.midnighthourministries.info and check out some of our counseling helps, resources and courses.  We would like to be of spiritual and emotional help to you.  E-mail or call us for encouragement.  If we can be of assistance with one of our seminars, training events or to speak to your church, club or organization, call for additional information.

What Are The Signs of an Unhealthy Habit?  

· My thoughts are consumed with it.· My time is scheduled around it.· My health could be harmed by it.· My guilt increases following it.·My finances are affected by it.· I am defensive when asked about it.· My relationships are hurt by it.· I am upset when I can’t do it.

“Search me O God, and know my heart..see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 129:23-24

What fuels negative habits?

Misguided choices-Choosing to escape from painful emotions and experiences in an attempt to avoid harsh realities of life.

Misplaced dependencies-Attempting to meet your God given emotional needs for love, significance and security through unhealthy dependencies on people, things or activities.

Misguided beliefs-Telling Yourself, “This makes me feel better and besides, I deserve it.  OR it’s useless to try to change or quit.”

What is a Healthy and Godly Approach to Self Control Issues?

1.Choosing to meet the harsh realities of life by processing painful emotions and circumstances. 2.Depending upon the Lord to meet your needs for love, significance and security.  3.Believing that you can take responsibility for your behavior because you have the spirit of Christ living in you to help you.

How Can Faith Help You Overcome Bad Habits?

Colossians 1:27-YOU are not alone during times of temptation, as a Christian you have the power of Christ within you.

How Do You Improve Self-Control?

·Restraining desires that pull you down. · Start with commitment to God. · Separate yourself from sin.  ·Set a new goal.  · Stand on the truth.  · Substitute God’s thoughts for your thoughts.  ·Surrender your will.·Stay on track.

How Do you Replace Bad Habits with Good Habits?

Put on the habit of faith-Romans 10:17, Romans 4:20

Put on the Habit of Goodness-Matthew 12:34, 35, 1 Timothy 6:18

Put on the Habit of Knowledge-2 Timothy 2:15, Proverbs 12:1

Put on the Habit of Perseverance-James 12:3,, James 1:4

Put on the Habit of Godliness-1 Timothy 6:10-11, 2 Peter 1:3

Put on the Habit of Brotherly Kindness-Romans 12:10, 13

Put on the Habit of Love-1 John 4:10, John4:15

How Is it Possible to Change Habits Reflecting a Negative Childhood Mindset?

Sow the seeds of moral sensitivity-Psalm 119:11

Sow the seeds of gratefulness-1 Thessalonians 5:18

Sow the seeds of forgiveness-Colossians 3:13

Sow the seeds of selflessness-Philippians 2:3

Sow the seeds of communion with God-Psalm 104:34

1. How is your relationship with God right now?
2. What have you read in the Bible in the past week?
3. What has God said to you in this reading?
4. Where do you find yourself resisting Him these days?
5. What specific things are you praying for in regard to yourself?
7. What are the specific tasks facing you right now that you consider incomplete?
8. What habits intimidate you?
9. What have you read in the secular press this week?
10. What general reading are you doing?
11. What have you done to play?
12. How are you doing with your spouse? Kids?
13. If I were to ask your spouse about your state of mind, state of spirit, state of energy level, what would the response be?
14. Are you sensing spiritual attacks from the enemy right now?
15. If Satan were to try to invalidate you as a person or as a servant of the Lord, how might he do it?
16. What is the state of your sexual perspective? Tempted? Dealing with fantasies? Entertainment?
17. Where are you financially right now? (things under control? under anxiety? in great debt?)
18. Are there any unresolved conflicts in your circle of relationships right now?
19. When was the last time you spent time with a good friend of your own gender?
20. What kind of time have you spent with anyone who is a non-Christian this month?
21. What challenges do you think you’re going to face in the coming week? Month?
22. What would you say are your fears at this present time?
23. Are you sleeping well?
24. What three things are you most thankful for?
25. Do you like yourself at this point in your pilgrimage?
26. What are your greatest confusions about your relationship with God?

How do you answer and address these questions, what are the issues that need to be resolved, today?  How and to whom are you accountable?  Serious questions that call for an internal emotional and spiritual review!

·         Has a childhood abuse issue left indelible physical and emotional scars in your life leaving you angry with God?

    Have you worked in an environment for years that has been a pressure cooker?  You hate your job and some of the people that   you work with!  You’re sick of the dead-end job and the lousy economy with few or no prospects.  You’re seething and nothing seems to be working!

There are Biblical, practical and spiritual truths for dealing with anger.  Want to hear more?  Sign-up for MHM’s Fits of Rage: Stories of Love & Hate featuring Rev. Russ Hobbs Pastor, Counselor, Professor and Broadcaster.

Reservations are required and individuals may call (717) 626-6933 or e-mail. Coleman Memorial Chapel is located at 1980 Furnace Hills Pike, Lititz, PA along Route 501 North at Brickerville.  E-mail rhobbs@dejazzd.com Visit us on the web at www.midnighthourministries.info There is NO cost to attend this program.  A freewill offering will be taken.  For additional information call or visit us on the web.  WE reserve the right to cancel or reschedule this program as necessary for the benefit of our audience.

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately need to control you.

Here are some considerations if you live and work with overly controling people who drive you crazy! 

1)     Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2)     Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3)      Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4)     Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5)     Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6)     Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7)     Make demands on them– especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8)     Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that many control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

Your spouse has made a vow to satisfy his/her sexual needs in the marriage relationship. They have nowhere else to (legitimately) go. Second, because if you don’t someone else may. (Not that this excuses adultery or makes the innocent party responsible). Any of us is vulnerable to temptation. If you want to protect your mate from temptation, you should meet their needs.

Why do husbands and wives often fail to meet their spouse’s deepest needs?  Selfishness and ignorance–Ignorance is the inability to understand and appreciate the other’s needs. Selfishness is an unwillingness to meet those needs. One is a heart problem, and the other is a head problem. One can be solved by information, the other only by repentance. But both must be addressed in order for the relationship to improve.

• Men and women have similar needs, but they rank them differently.
Men
Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration

Women
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial support
Family commitment

To a woman, affection represents security, protection, comfort, and approval. It is the essential cement of the relationship. The husband’s greatest need: Sexual fulfillment.  It is God’s will that a man be fully satisfied sexually with his wife.

Philip. 2:4
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Matthew 7:12
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

The woman’s 2nd greatest need: Conversation.  Unlike the need for sex, conversation is not a need that should be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can be ethically met by almost anyone. But since it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will be someone you may easily fall in love with. So it’s crucial to your marital happiness that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.  This need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable to both.

Good conversation is characterized by using it to inform and investigate each other, focusing attention on topics of mutual interest, balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk and giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.

We fail to meet this need for conversation when demands are made, disrespect is shown.  Name calling, insults and cursing are major deterrents to conversation.  Anger will shut down conversation and communication and may polarize the relationship.

Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not to talk to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That’s because we tend to prevent our spouse from having the chance to meet our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us.

Men and women don’t have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That’s a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other’s likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. It’s also a time when we’re highly focused on trying to get them to like us! So, the way you get em is the way you keep em.’

But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading.  If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also should be able to expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk losing loving feelings if that need is not met during marriage.

The man’s second greatest need is recreational companionship.  Before you were married, chances are pretty good that you planned your dates around your favorite recreational activities. That’s because it’s an important emotional need. And since you wanted your relationship to flourish, you probably chose activities that you both enjoyed.   But you may have made the mistake of doing whatever the one with the greatest need for recreational companionship wanted to do.

Most couples make a crucial mistake after marriage — they go their separate ways. He joins his friends in recreational activities he enjoys most and leaves his wife to find her own recreational companions for activities that interest her. That’s a formula for marital disaster. If someone else of the opposite sex joins either of you in your favorite recreational activities, you are at risk to fall in love with that person. Besides, if you are not together when you are enjoying yourselves the most, you are squandering an opportunity to grow closer and more in love. The need for recreational companionship combines two needs into one. First, there is the need to be engaged in recreational activities and second, the need to have a companion. Both partners need to get away sometimes.  Divert Daily – Withdraw Weekly – Abandon Annually.  Men spell Romance Sex and Recreation, women spell romance affection and conversation.