Don’t discount the importance of interpersonal skills. Try these 10 helpful tips for improving your interpersonal skills:

1. Smile. Few people want to be around someone who is always down in the dumps. Do your best to be friendly and upbeat with your coworkers. Maintain a positive, cheerful attitude about work and about life. Smile often. The positive energy you radiate will draw others to you.
2. Be appreciative. Find one positive thing about everyone you work with and let them hear it. Be generous with praise and kind words of encouragement. Say thank you when someone helps you. Make colleagues feel welcome when they call or stop by your office. If you let others know that they are appreciated, they’ll want to give you their best.
3. Pay attention to others. Observe what’s going on in other people’s lives. Acknowledge their happy milestones, and express concern and sympathy for difficult situations such as an illness or death. Make eye contact and address people by their first names. Ask others for their opinions.
4. Practice active listening. To actively listen is to demonstrate that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view. It means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. In this way, you know that you understood their meaning and they know that your responses are more than lip service. Your coworkers will appreciate knowing that you really do listen to what they have to say.
5. Bring people together. Create an environment that encourages others to work together. Treat everyone equally, and don’t play favorites. Avoid talking about others behind their backs. Follow up on other people’s suggestions or requests. When you make a statement or announcement, check to see that you have been understood. If folks see you as someone solid and fair, they will grow to trust you.
6. Resolve conflicts. Take a step beyond simply bringing people together, and become someone who resolves conflicts when they arise. Learn how to be an effective mediator. If coworkers bicker over personal or professional disagreements, arrange to sit down with both parties and help sort out their differences. By taking on such a leadership role, you will garner respect and admiration from those around you.
7. Communicate clearly. Pay close attention to both what you say and how you say it. A clear and effective communicator avoids misunderstandings with coworkers, colleagues, and associates. Verbal eloquence projects an image of intelligence and maturity, no matter what your age. If you tend to blurt out anything that comes to mind, people won’t put much weight on your words or opinions.
8. Humor them. Don’t be afraid to be funny or clever. Most people are drawn to a person that can make them laugh. Use your sense of humor as an effective tool to lower barriers and gain people’s affection.
9. See it from their side. Empathy means being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand how they feel. Try to view situations and responses from another person’s perspective. This can be accomplished through staying in touch with your own emotions; those who are cut off from their own feelings are often unable to empathize with others.
10. Don’t complain. There is nothing worse than a chronic complainer or whiner. If you simply have to vent about something, save it for your diary. If you must verbalize your grievances, vent to your personal friends and family, and keep it short. Spare those around you, or else you’ll get a bad reputation.

1. How is your relationship with God right now?
2. What have you read in the Bible in the past week?
3. What has God said to you in this reading?
4. Where do you find yourself resisting Him these days?
5. What specific things are you praying for in regard to yourself?
7. What are the specific tasks facing you right now that you consider incomplete?
8. What habits intimidate you?
9. What have you read in the secular press this week?
10. What general reading are you doing?
11. What have you done to play?
12. How are you doing with your spouse? Kids?
13. If I were to ask your spouse about your state of mind, state of spirit, state of energy level, what would the response be?
14. Are you sensing spiritual attacks from the enemy right now?
15. If Satan were to try to invalidate you as a person or as a servant of the Lord, how might he do it?
16. What is the state of your sexual perspective? Tempted? Dealing with fantasies? Entertainment?
17. Where are you financially right now? (things under control? under anxiety? in great debt?)
18. Are there any unresolved conflicts in your circle of relationships right now?
19. When was the last time you spent time with a good friend of your own gender?
20. What kind of time have you spent with anyone who is a non-Christian this month?
21. What challenges do you think you’re going to face in the coming week? Month?
22. What would you say are your fears at this present time?
23. Are you sleeping well?
24. What three things are you most thankful for?
25. Do you like yourself at this point in your pilgrimage?
26. What are your greatest confusions about your relationship with God?

How do you answer and address these questions, what are the issues that need to be resolved, today?  How and to whom are you accountable?  Serious questions that call for an internal emotional and spiritual review!

·         Has a childhood abuse issue left indelible physical and emotional scars in your life leaving you angry with God?

    Have you worked in an environment for years that has been a pressure cooker?  You hate your job and some of the people that   you work with!  You’re sick of the dead-end job and the lousy economy with few or no prospects.  You’re seething and nothing seems to be working!

There are Biblical, practical and spiritual truths for dealing with anger.  Want to hear more?  Sign-up for MHM’s Fits of Rage: Stories of Love & Hate featuring Rev. Russ Hobbs Pastor, Counselor, Professor and Broadcaster.

Reservations are required and individuals may call (717) 626-6933 or e-mail. Coleman Memorial Chapel is located at 1980 Furnace Hills Pike, Lititz, PA along Route 501 North at Brickerville.  E-mail rhobbs@dejazzd.com Visit us on the web at www.midnighthourministries.info There is NO cost to attend this program.  A freewill offering will be taken.  For additional information call or visit us on the web.  WE reserve the right to cancel or reschedule this program as necessary for the benefit of our audience.

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately need to control you.

Here are some considerations if you live and work with overly controling people who drive you crazy! 

1)     Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2)     Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3)      Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4)     Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5)     Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6)     Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7)     Make demands on them– especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8)     Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that many control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

Your spouse has made a vow to satisfy his/her sexual needs in the marriage relationship. They have nowhere else to (legitimately) go. Second, because if you don’t someone else may. (Not that this excuses adultery or makes the innocent party responsible). Any of us is vulnerable to temptation. If you want to protect your mate from temptation, you should meet their needs.

Why do husbands and wives often fail to meet their spouse’s deepest needs?  Selfishness and ignorance–Ignorance is the inability to understand and appreciate the other’s needs. Selfishness is an unwillingness to meet those needs. One is a heart problem, and the other is a head problem. One can be solved by information, the other only by repentance. But both must be addressed in order for the relationship to improve.

• Men and women have similar needs, but they rank them differently.
Men
Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration

Women
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial support
Family commitment

To a woman, affection represents security, protection, comfort, and approval. It is the essential cement of the relationship. The husband’s greatest need: Sexual fulfillment.  It is God’s will that a man be fully satisfied sexually with his wife.

Philip. 2:4
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Matthew 7:12
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

The woman’s 2nd greatest need: Conversation.  Unlike the need for sex, conversation is not a need that should be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can be ethically met by almost anyone. But since it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will be someone you may easily fall in love with. So it’s crucial to your marital happiness that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.  This need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable to both.

Good conversation is characterized by using it to inform and investigate each other, focusing attention on topics of mutual interest, balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk and giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.

We fail to meet this need for conversation when demands are made, disrespect is shown.  Name calling, insults and cursing are major deterrents to conversation.  Anger will shut down conversation and communication and may polarize the relationship.

Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not to talk to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That’s because we tend to prevent our spouse from having the chance to meet our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us.

Men and women don’t have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That’s a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other’s likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. It’s also a time when we’re highly focused on trying to get them to like us! So, the way you get em is the way you keep em.’

But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading.  If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also should be able to expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk losing loving feelings if that need is not met during marriage.

The man’s second greatest need is recreational companionship.  Before you were married, chances are pretty good that you planned your dates around your favorite recreational activities. That’s because it’s an important emotional need. And since you wanted your relationship to flourish, you probably chose activities that you both enjoyed.   But you may have made the mistake of doing whatever the one with the greatest need for recreational companionship wanted to do.

Most couples make a crucial mistake after marriage — they go their separate ways. He joins his friends in recreational activities he enjoys most and leaves his wife to find her own recreational companions for activities that interest her. That’s a formula for marital disaster. If someone else of the opposite sex joins either of you in your favorite recreational activities, you are at risk to fall in love with that person. Besides, if you are not together when you are enjoying yourselves the most, you are squandering an opportunity to grow closer and more in love. The need for recreational companionship combines two needs into one. First, there is the need to be engaged in recreational activities and second, the need to have a companion. Both partners need to get away sometimes.  Divert Daily – Withdraw Weekly – Abandon Annually.  Men spell Romance Sex and Recreation, women spell romance affection and conversation.

2. Listen to others conversations only long enough to find an opening so that you can talk more about yourself.

3. Take credit for the work of others.

4. Put other people down so that you can feel better about yourself.

5. Refuse to let anyone help you and then complain that no one cares about you.

6. Deny having borrowed money when you areasked to repay it.

7. Make sure that you are in control of everything no matter what it is!

8. Exagerate everything and become highly emotional about it.  Drama becomes tiresome very quickly!

9. Ask for advice and tell the person how stupid it is.  Rudeness is a great way to ailenate people.

10. Promise to keep a secret and then tell everyone you meet.  People who can’t trust you will stop talking to you!

*Do the exact opposite of each one of these tips and you may be loved and have friends.

*Use these tips at your own peril, they could make you a very lonely person.

By Russ Hobbs M.A. CAC Diplomate

What has gone wrong with America’s Children? Did you know that in the US,

.Every 8 seconds of every school day a child drops out of school?
· Every 26 seconds a child runs away from home.
· Every 47 seconds a child is either abused or neglected.
· Every 7 minutes a child is arrested for a drug offense.
· Every 36 minutes a child is either hurt or killed by a gun.
· Could it simply be that America’s Parents have lost touch with their children?

BILLY GRAHAM said: Children will invariably talk, eat, walk, think, respond, and act like their parents. Give them a target to shoot at. Give them a goal to work toward. Give them a pattern that they can see clearly, and you give them something that gold and silver cannot buy.

Proverbs 22.6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Dorothy Law Nolte once wrote down these thoughts…
If a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, He learns justice.
If a child lives with security, He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.

So our attention is turned toward children and parenting…
What voice are you obeying as a parent? Is it pop psychology? Is it the latest videotape series? Is it nothing at all? Are you flying by the seat of your pants?
· There is a Book that will help you parent.
· It’s the all time best seller – God’s Word!
· And I ask you to let the Holy Spirit speak to you, open yourself up to His leading and prompting…

Model and communicate Honesty, Integrity, Obedience, Honor and Love. Respect & Obedience are the bedrocks of any home, any society, any relationship. You know what’s not right? Rebellion. Absentee parents. Homes that are run by the kids.

Media reports have concluded that Girls are Drinking Like Boys: Teenage girls are almost as likely to drink alcohol as boys. Teenage alcohol abuse… 48% girls and 52% boys.  Underage alcohol use accounts for ¼ of all alcohol consumed in the USA. 1 of every 4 beers is consumed by someone under 18!

Consider this report·..

.As many as 70% of college students admit to having engaged in sexual activity primarily as a result of being under the influence of alcohol, or to having sex they wouldn’t have had if they had been sober.
· 60% of college women who are infected with STDs, including herpes and AIDS, report that they were under the influence of alcohol at the time they had intercourse with the infected person.
· According to the Center for Disease Control, 1 in 1500 college students is HIV positive, and the fastest growing populations of American people infected with HIV are teenagers and young adults. Did that last statistic grab your heart?  The fastest growing population of American people infected with AIDS are teenagers and young adults! 

Love, discipline and direction is seriously needed and realistically craved by our kids!  Let’s model a better way of living through those old fashioned Biblical methods handed down that involve practicing what we proclaim with love, honesty, openness and integrity.

Here are at least 10 ways we can provoke our kids…
#1 Smother them. Never giving them a chance to take risks.
#2 Favoritism. Favoring one child over the other.
#3 – Comparing our child with one another.
#4 – Pushing their achievement beyond reasonable bounds.
#5 – Discouraging them.
#6 – Failing to make the child feel wanted. Always treating them like they are intruding on our lives.
#7 – Using love as a tool for reward and punishment.
#8 – Failing to let them grow up in a normal life.
#9 – Physical and verbal abuse.
#10 – Teasing and taunting them.

We only have our children in our lives for a short time and once it’s over… it’s over. There is a legend of a medieval sidewalk superintendent who asked three stone masons on a construction project what they were doing. The first replied that he was laying bricks. The second described his work as that of building a wall. But it was the third laborer who demonstrated genuine esteem for his work when he said, “I am raising a great cathedral.”
Pose that same question to any two fathers concerning their role in the family, and you are liable to get the same kind of contrast. The first may say, “I am supporting a family.” But the second may see things differently and say, “I am raising children.” The former looks at his job as putting bread on the table. But the latter sees things in God’s perspective: he is participating in the shaping of lives.

We need to nurture our kids in America!  When we offer appropriate discipline we are telling our kids that we love them and hold them dear to our hearts, just as the heavenly father does with us. Hebrews 12.6 “For whom the LORD loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives.” So, discipline and instruction are needed in the home.

In Minnesota, ninth and tenth graders were interviewed about their dads. They were asked this question: “What comes to mind when you think of the word ’dad’?” One end of the spectrum said, “I think of the word jerk.” Others thought of the words angry, mad, and absent.

On the other hand, some of the young people said, “I think of wholeness, kindness, security, safety.” Dad is an immensely powerful word.  What’s awesome is that we have the PERFECT example. We have a Father that is selfless and sacrificial. He gave His very best so that we can be our very best. He nurtures us, instructs us, teaches and disciplines us. He never gives up on us and is always encouraging us to higher levels of love and grace. He is faithful, reliable, dependable, and consistent. 

Are your kids breaking your heart?  Would you like to talk about the agony of your soul?  Contact me at Midnight Hour Ministries or Coleman Chapel, (717) 626-6933.  E-mail me at rhobbs@dejazzd.com No one has all of the answers for a heart in need of mending except God himself.  But, we can offer each other some words of hope, counsel and direction.  We can pray together and seek the Lord, asking for his divine intervention. 

No one is perfect. We need to take an honest look at how we contribute to the attitudes and behaviors of our children.  We must be willing to seek forgiveness when a part of the physical, emotional or spiritual healing of that relationship rests upon our negative attitudes and/or choices.  May the living Lord grant each of us the courage and desire to follow “His” leading which is about healing and restoration.

Communication experts say that the average woman speaks over 25,000 words a day while the average man speaks only a little over 10,000. What does this mean in marital terms? . . . On average a wife will say she needs to spend 45 minutes to an hour each day in meaningful conversation with her husband. What does her husband sitting next to her say is enough time for meaningful conversation? Fifteen to twenty minutes–once or twice a week! 

Scary huh?  Couples can improve communication through “active listening” and by taking the time to set aside purposeful rendevous to share intimately where both will listen and share their hearts with each other.  Loving communication can be a challenge or an adventure! 

Husbands, in the same way be considereate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.  1 Peter 3:7

The scriptural instruction is not a “put down” to women suggesting that they are “less than” their male counterparts.  The Apostle Peter is instructing husbands to love and be kind to their wives because they have a mutual bond of fidelity and commitment that is being shared.  He is saying that God takes our marital relationships seriously and that should be a humbling reminder to us all.  Our prayer lives are effected by our spousal relationships!  The quality of that relationship and communication that takes place in our homes is of great importance.  Perhaps, we need to give “relationship and communication” some additional thought this week.

Did You Know?

Children spend less than 30 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with their mothers and less than 15 minutes per week with their fathers.Here are 10 steps to a better marriage:

1. Make commitment not feeling the foundation of your marriage.

Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. Hebrews 13:42. Learn to draw a very large circle of love.

And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her. Ephesians 5:253. Humble yourself before your spouse.

And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:214. Continually say positive things to your spouse.

Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:295. Never go to bed angry with your spouse.

And “don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:266. Forgive your spouse.

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matt 6:14-157. Consider what God wants in your situation not what you want.

Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate when people say unkind things about you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God wants you to do, and he will bless you for it. 1 Pet 3:98. Visualize what your life can be together.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jer 29:119. Pray together regularly.

Pray at all times and on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all Christians everywhere. Eph 6:1810. Do not give up.

So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. Gal 6:9

Households headed by unmarried people living together have quadrupled since 1970.

According to a recent Gallup poll, 73% of Americans, under age 45, believe that life spent with the same partner is both unusual and unnecessary.

Six out of ten children live in a single parent household.

The cost of the average divorce is $19,365.00 Plus.

In the average divorce, women and children suffer a 73% decline in their standard of living.

The death rate for divorced men 35-60 years of age is 130% higher than their happily married counterparts.

In a recent Gallup poll, 89% of people, currently going through a divorce, sited a family history of divorce as being a contributing factor to the ending of their marriage.

In America every 24 hours:

3,000 children see their parents divorced.

1,629 children are put in adult jail.

3,228 children run away from home.

1,512 children drop out of school.

7,742 teens become sexually active.

Teenagers, on average, experience sexual intercourse for the first time at age 15.

When sexual intimacy is cheapened, so it the general view of marriage.

When commitment breaks down, so do marriages.

1 out of 3 marriages end in divorce.

1 out of 50 marriages end in divorce if the couple had a church wedding.

1 out of 105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attends church regularly.

1 out of 1,155 marriages end in divorce if the couple attends church regularly and has family devotions.

He drew a circle that shut me out,
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout,
But love and I had the wit to win,
We drew a circle that took him in.